Hansen: Step right up, be an ambassador for the city. Tourists will love you

It usually goes something like this.

You’re waiting at the trolley stop or in line at the grocery store. You can’t help but overhear the nearby tourists. They’re talking about the town, confused and helpless.

“Where should we go for dinner?” they ask themselves. “What should we do after that?”

Maybe they have a wrinkled hotel map. They mention some off-off-Broadway dinner options.

At some point in their deliberations, they say something so clueless that you can’t stand it anymore, and you finally speak.

With the authority you have — not condescending, not arrogant, just knowledgeable — you tell them what to do, where to go and what to eat.

In less than 60 seconds, you have solved world hunger — or at least their hunger in Laguna Beach.

They’re all smiles, thanking you for the advice. They walk away aflutter, suddenly excited by the feeling that they are now in the know.

You feel the love, realizing you did your daily Laguna ambassador duty.

But being an ambassador is more than just recommending a restaurant. If you have the time, you can give the deluxe, deep-dive version.

For example, it’s not just a restaurant name but what to order.

“If you go to Cafe Zoolu, eat the legendary swordfish,” you say. And while you say it, you hold up your fingers measuring 3 inches of marvel. “Or if you go to Mozambique for the music and steak, pair it with the Justin cab — very nice.”

“What about the restaurants by Main Beach?” they ask, starting to feel empowered.

“Well,” you say politely, “generally, you want to avoid the ones on the water side of Coast Highway, but you can go to Las Brisas for drinks and maybe an appetizer. The view is awesome.”

And then the details continue. They start to get really hungry and specific.

“If it’s sushi you want and you’re near Main Beach, cross the street to 242 Cafe Fusion Sushi,” you say. “Just delightful.”

Mexican?

“Oh well, downtown it’s Carmelita’s all the way, or Tortilla Republic holds its own as well. Ah, but if you’re into something different, maybe a little more inventive, go to Broadway.”

“Broadway the street?” they ask, invariably.

“No, Broadway the restaurant.”

“But it’s on Broadway?”

“Um, no, it’s actually on Glenneyre. We don’t know why. But start with the bone marrow,” you say.

And if they’re timid tourists, they usually will wrinkle their nose — bone marrow?

“Yes,” you insist. “Sit at the chef’s table and watch them cook. It’s a work of art. If the restaurant is booked, which is likely, try across the street at Three Seventy Common, or go over to the real Broadway Street and eat at Nirvana Grille, which is consistently phenomenal.”

At that point, you can tell they are dizzy with information, so you try to get them back into focus.

“OK, before dinner, stop by 230 Forest — yes, it’s on Forest — and have bartender Dan Vincent make you a specialty drink. Don’t waste it on a well drink. Have him make you whatever he’s feeling, something with cucumber and mint perhaps.”

You pause to let that sink in.

“If it’s early, say brunch or lunch, go to the OceanView Bar & Grill at Hotel Laguna. Bring your sunglasses and have a Bloody Mary practically on the beach. Eat the garnishes to tide you over for later. You don’t want to fill up on lunch in Laguna — stay hungry for dinner.”

They seem to like your way of thinking.

“So if you want a fancy and sublime dinner, go to Tabu Grill. Make a reservation. Also, don’t go on Valentine’s Day or some other holiday and order the prix fixe menu, thinking you’re saving money. You don’t go to Tabu to save money. There you want to focus and enjoy every singular bite.”

“But what about the restaurants on the water,” they ask, wanting the ocean view.

“OK, yes, you can go to nearly any restaurant with a deck in Laguna, enjoy the eye candy and have decent food: The Deck, Driftwood Kitchen, Splashes at Surf & Sand, Studio at Montage are all romantic and solid,” you say.

Now you remind them that there are probably more than two dozen other safe restaurant options, especially if they’re on a budget or want creative, small plates: K’ya Bistro Bar, Watermarc, Sapphire, Eva’s Caribbean Kitchen, Starfish, Alessa, Nick’s.

You ask if they are going to one of the festivals and want to eat nearby. They nod their heads.

“Ivory Restaurant & Lounge in the canyon, hands down,” you say. “In fact, even if you’re not going to one of the festivals, eat at Ivory before you leave Laguna.”

Finally, you have to address the elephant in the grocery store.

“Laguna closes early, but if it’s 1 in the morning and you’re still on European dance music time, go to Taco Loco. Order anything, sit on the sidewalk and relish your Laguna experience.”

By now, they will have pen and paper out, trying to follow along. You will repeat all the names and add a few more.

They will thank you again, maybe shake your hand and invite you to dinner.

And years later they will still talk about the friendly people of Laguna Beach.

DAVID HANSEN is a writer and Laguna Beach resident. He can be reached at hansen.dave@gmail.com.